Confession Six: If I Applied to Law School Tomorrow, My Personal Statement Might Look a Little Like This* …

To the Dean of Admissions:
When I was first invited to apply to your tier one law school I was, in all honesty, flabbergasted as the mere thoughts of power suits and researching legal briefs danced through my head. I then attributed your generous offer to my serious academic applications to my life, my ethical considerations in the work place and the fact that I am well aware Legally Blonde was first a book – which I have read and own. Yet, upon further consideration, I am suspecting the urgency from your standpoint under which this application falls has come at an examination of my generation; especially those classified as the ‘Daughter’s of Eve.’ Thus I am more than acutely aware of your intentions and I must commend you, you sly minx. We may just have a corner of the market …

I have since romanticized our chance meeting and stimulating conversation – I too believe young women, especially those degenerates at table nine (Note: Cool points to you Dean Vernon Wormer if you get the reference! Double if you get both!), are fast tracking their lives at a speed not even Dr. Spock, William Shattner or Mork could have mathematically foreseen. And no, I am still not sure why Nike has not yet cornered the market on a high heeled running shoe, or an alter complete with a pink lacy finish line held together by doves. I would like to think that one day, with the help of your university’s resources, I could work in their legal department and maybe suggest Jennifer Aniston as the spokes person for such a campaign. If she could don a haircut that would inspire a nation, how then could she not hock this crap?

Yet, I digress and for that I apologize. Please let me get back to the subject at hand. Being a bit of a statistical geek, according to divorcerates.com 80.6 of the divorces in America occur at the hands of women who are younger than 29 years of age. With your knowledge of the law, my knowledge of bad relationships and some furniture of IKEA, we more or less could have our hands full, and a steady stream of court dates. I must admit, I have also considered applying to your Psychology program so that I may obtain a degree that will allow me to council said clients in the biggest Fantasy Draft of their lives and then treat their emotional needs as well. I like to think of it two services, one bill, lots of new shoes for me!

With these values and thoughts in mind, I would like to openly state the avenues for which I would like to explore, in addition to Michigan, at your esteemed institution:

1. The! Love! Of! The! Exclamation! Point! – Does placing a gold/silver/platinum ring on your finger cause the brain to be overly stimulated? If so, I would like to look into a class action suit against jewelers and would also like to bring excited brides to the Court of Grammar.

2. What are the legal ramifications for intentionally creating a horrible view for the 27 bridesmaids of whom the bride requested accompany her through the ceremony? Also, I would like to test “The Cupcake” defense citing those who are forced to wear such dresses can be classified as criminally insane while donning such a horrible get-up.

3. In addition to strict divorce law procedures, I would like to further my efforts in the myriad of plausible defenses and would be more than willing to examine the emotional distress caused to loved ones when the phrase, “But I am a princess!” is squealed. Could a family member at the trial level with such a convincing and supportive argument use such tactics as a defense?

As I hope you can tell, I am more than excited for our academic union. I already have selected a hall that will be reserved as my studying site, and I have ordered save the date reminder cards for each of my major academic tests and projects.

The subject of marriage/divorce law is my obvious path in life – I have dreamed of it since opening my first “Pre-Nup” Barbie. The way she negotiated the Dream House away from Ken – and her stylish briefcase – have always inspired me.

In short, I could not be more happy to answer the most important question you could ever ask of me: Do I accept a full scholarship to your prestigious institution of higher education, including room and board, in challenging course work and in bad, in sickness and in stress, till graduation do us part?

I DO!!!!!!!

*I have decided Wednesday’s are going to be my day to complain about all the people around me getting engaged and obsessing over white dresses, perfect days and all that jazz. I guess I should put a disclaimer on ‘Wedding Wednesday’s’ and say that I am very much in love with my other half and one day will be glad to share all of this with him (on a much smaller scale), but today, as a pair of 25-year-olds, its just not happening for either of us. Heart you honey!