Confession Niner: Baby Barrowing Does Not Look Appealing at 25 Let Alone 18

Admittedly, there are very few television shows that I make an absolute point to watch … “The Hills”, “The Bachelorette” and “Greek” would fall into this category and normally meant I was heading over to my friend’s ‘Village’ to watch – it was like our own little date night where we would yell and scream at the TV; this was so sacred even CP knew not to call between certain hours once a week. Surprisingly, it was amazingly therapeutic; especially when Graham Bunn was wondering around shirtless and grinning. (Yee Haw!)

This summer, I developed a full blown love for the experiment surrounding “The Baby Borrowers”. Quick synopsis of the show, much like all of NBC's other shows it was stolen from the BBC - is five barely legal couples are given a house, expected to act like adults and spend three days taking care of babies, toddlers, pre-teens, teens and the elderly. The teen couples are forced to act like real parents, actually work at pre-determined jobs and attempt to balance life – it was the ‘Real World’ drama minus the blatant alcoholism and threesomes. Wednesday night was the season finale and I cried, not because the show was ending, but because the elderly people were so darn cute and lovable. Each of them radiated love for their significant other and it was amazing to watch. The couples who were still together each had 60-plus years stuck to each other since walking down the isle! In Hollywood that would probably equal to the entire cast of every ‘Star Wars’ movie ever made, including extras and all of those behind the scenes … combined … twice.

At the conclusion of the show, the producers gave the obligatory updates on the couples and not one of them were still dating after enduring this social experiment together – how weird is that? Maybe it is because I am finally understanding what tools we all are in college and just how destroyed our views on relationships are, but I actually had a hard time wrapping my head around this. How is it possible to spend three weeks with someone, removed from all of the comforts of your own true home, work together, become closer, experience something most others are not given a chance to live (then legally walk way from) and just call it quits? In all seriousness, I would still be willing to baby sit (don’t look at me to spawn something anytime soon) with CP – as long as we could give the kids back, much like I do with my favorite little nephew. But my point is I am not sure if I am upset that these kids realized just how ready they weren’t to be grown-ups, or if I am psyched for them that their eyes were opened and there are going to be that many fewer children in the world born before they need to be to parents who can't take care of themselves let alone another human being.

Watching the show really made me think about if I had been ‘Baby Borrowing’ at 18-20 like these kids were and just what my experience might have been like … (if this was Wayne’s World, we would all wiggle our fingers and repeat the phrase Woo Dee Lee Doot over and over again until we were in a flashback.)

Woo Dee Lee Doot Woo Dee Lee Doot Woo Dee Lee Doot Woo Dee Lee Doot


First off, my partner more than likely would have been the fella who was lucky enough to share time with me for random months over a four year span. Neither of us knew what was going on in life, but we were both afraid to divide and conquer the world alone forcing us to make the other’s life miserable. No, John Hughes did not write our tale, it reflected more the style of Quentin Tarantino – instead of a tale of young love gone right, we were a mess of strange lines, a plot line no one could fathom and left our audience guessing after walking away from us. Today, we can both fully admit what a mistake this was and how it never brought out the best of either of us. Much like these young ladies, I can clearly remember talking to him, after a few hurricanes, and he had me convinced he was going to propose on my next birthday – I was totally excited and had not thought about what P-R-O-P-O-S-E would really mean! What they hell were we thinking even talking about all of that when we were more concerned with pissing off the other one on a daily basis? If memory serves me correctly, Coco had locked me out of the house because I was talking too much during her favorite TV program, “Law and Order”, and was using him to baby sit me. She, being my better half, would have made a much better mother, despite that one Brittany like act. Actually, if she and I were to both adopt plants tomorrow I am sure hers would sprout flowers twice before mine was even watered once; she just has that mothering instinct, mine might be just a little bit more dormant.

More or less, he and I would have turned the show into an episode of “Law and Order” (You’re welcome Coco, double your pleasure, double your fun!) because I am pretty sure one of us would have not come out of it alive; at the very least, one of us might have lost a limb and we could have been a knockoff of “Scrubs”. Maybe our track record does not speak well for us, (because it really wasn’t all that great) and we would not have been invited to do the show, but these other kids, I really hoped a few would have a chance and make it just a little longer.

Back to the show, I honestly think this was a great idea and is the one reality show that every high schooler/college student should be forced to watch.

In the event CP really does become governor (he is back to threatening once a week; I am back to mentally shopping three times a week – I still can’t make up my mind on the inauguration get-up.), I am going to ghost write write a bill (not sure if this is possible but I will make it happen somehow) that will push Sex Ed that much farther and make kids live this.
(I am thinking the outfit for the introduction of such a program is going to need some matronly support, maybe Barbara (the non-twin) will be my muse.) ... If we could only get Elle Woods on our side, we might get the right attention. I mean she did stop animal testing, this would be a piece of cake.

Confession Eight: Much Like A Collegiate RB, My Rants Peak Way to Early ... If At All.

I know there is a lot of bad television programming out there – I am looking your way Telia Tequilla, Flava Flave, and Brett Michaels – and depending upon the day, and who is controlling the boob tube via the clicker, I might have seen whole episodes (read: multiple seasons) of said crappy TV … then discussed it with the boys in my office.

In the grand scheme of things, last night was no different.

Luckily I can say I did not sit and fixate myself on the show I am about to mention, but, the crap was on as I finished reorganizing my apartment (I like to think it looks a little more grown-up now) … drum roll please … Celebrity Family Feud.

Quickly, the Family Feud hosts I can think of off the top of my head are as follows – that short loud guy, Al the Flannel Loving Sidekick from Home Improvement (nee Richard Karn) and the white haired guy with the radio announcer who played Elaine’s boss on Seinfield (CP would be MAD if he knew I couldn’t think of the guy’s actual name or his character.) – This season, Al Roker serves as the new focal point. Obviously, this eternally cool fraternity has NOTHING on the Skull’s - especially when it comes to power. I mean when you say something wrong in front of a Yale grad no big X and annoying buzzer jumps into your vision - Roker on the other hand, man I hope I am only right with him; three wrong answers and we are no longer friends!

On the show Roker is not questioning his sexuality, nor is he misspelling young females’ made-up names. I would bet though that his groupies do have one thing in common with those of the washed-up rockers who wear eyeliner – bloodline. Hear me out, it will totally make sense. Roker and his jolly laugh have to drive the ladies in the Old Folks Home crazy (in a good way, not what they take the pills for) … Michales on the other hand is the bad boy those women warned their daughters and grandbabies about. Seeing as there have been two complete seasons of Rock of Love, I am guessing neither generation of those once lovely young women didn’t listen to Roker’s Raisin Ranchers and are finding new (read: CREEPY) ways to reconnect and share life experiences (read: jell-o shots and boyfriends). See I told you I had valid logic! Wait a minute! Lightening is striking! Go with me here. I wonder if groupies are all the same and a class for geriatric cane dancing replaces hip (the verb not the body part), young, seductive pole dancing classes later in life; if not, I bet the financial possibilities are endless! OMG, I am not only cute – but I really am smart too!

As usual, I have digressed.

Let’s get back on track and examine the competition on this outstanding show … the Orange County Chopper guys (looking a lot less greasy. I think even Mikey showered for the show!), Margret Cho (VERY FUNNY female comedian, who, much like Bob Saget is better on HBO than ABC), Christopher Knight and America’s Next Top Wife as well as the Bersen's (The patriarch was once a star of the original Law and Order). Of the award winning cast I have mentioned thus far, it is one of Corbin Bernsen's family members who peaked my interest. Yes, with all those choices, below is who I gravitate toward.

I am pretty sure I knew this, but Oliver was introduced as a member of the University of Memphis football roster. (Insert Big Red X here!)

Seeing as I have an inkling of knowledge behind the inner workings of collegiate athletics, I would like to point out that this goober was wearing an untucked button down, which was opened enough that you could see his chest spaghetti poking out of his wife beater. Oh yeah, he was hot stuff. Top that with the fact that he was losing a battle with his electric shaver and I am guessing the tennis shoes he donned were courtesy of the football team. For being the oldest of three boys, two of which who dressed slightly better than the ‘Jo-Bros’ (I want to beat myself up for typing that. No more Disney Channel for me!), he achieved his goal of fulfilling the MEATHEAD stereotype. Look at you, Oliver, you are going to succeed in life. Good job buddy! What do you think he is going to do with all that trust fund cash? If I was a fortune teller, I would predict those aforementioned groupies – young and old alike – would be the answer to that rhetorical question.

In addition to critiquing his outfit, (Janice Dickinson has nothing on me) I began doing a bit of mental math – all of this before the first X (Whammies were so much cooler!) sounded on question one – he is an NCAA student-athlete, on a show where they are going to win money (for charity), and it is late July … 1. How is this legal through the NCAA? Must suck to be their Compliance officer and have the obscure answer to this! 2. More importantly, he should be reporting for football camp soon. Did his coaches really give him some time off to film a show?

Looking at Mr. Oliver Bursen I would guess he was a defensive lineman … looking at their roster I would not know because this putz is no longer listed! ... the reason ... He is now on UConn's roster (and he is a DL! Go me!). Total waste of a rant. Stupid proud papa announcing his first born was a player and ‘accidentally’ omitting the word FORMER! I not only wasted time trying to find this goober, but was on the wrong site. Even better once I went HERE he didn't even have a bio for me to read up to learn if he transfered from Memphis to Storrs, Conn. or if his father was just a crazy man. As sad as this is, it totally annoyed me. (Note: I know only three of my friends will feel my pain, but I had to share the story to give my neurosis a face.)

In all reality, I no longer care about this kid and as a DL realize unless he marries a QB's horsey looking sister (COUGH LAURA QUINN), no one is going to care about him anyway.

On a somewhat related note, I was forwarded a website that allows you to test your knowledge of college football helmets. Of the 100 listed, I got a 50-50 correct on the first set and 46-50 listed on the second set. Looking back on that previous comment about boycotting the Disney Channel, I might need to add ESPN’s College Game Day to that list – even though I heart Lee Corso, cute little grandpa – because I am pretty sure I am one of only about 45 known females who did not graduate from a school like Utah State, UAB, or Nevada yet can spot their helmets in a heartbeat!

Confession Seven: Remembering Your Password REALLY Helps You to Post Random Rants!

Yeah … so … there is a reason they tell you to make up a crazy password … a combo of forgetting mine, and being too busy cutting and dying my hair every other day last week slightly delayed my writing process … opps!

If my six previous posts have proven anything it is that I not only heart John Mayer (which is why I have been too devastated to write anything about his disappointing concert – For the first time since my freshman year of college, he hurt my ears and my cerebellum) but I also would like to put the kibosh on his relationship with Jennifer Anniston (read: the reason for the crappy concert).

My reasoning for the latter follows:

We all have THAT friend … they start dating someone who at first glance you are unsure if they suck or not … they will then proclaim their other half is the best person in the world and nothing before them mattered (JM did this two weeks ago in my presence; an act that only added to my bitterness that night. He also wore a black wife beater to perform in; what in the world was his stylist thinking?!) … then comes the hearts and doves … they sing everything they say including “Hellllllllooooooo” when that person calls … and before you think the live AfterSchool Special couldn’t get any worse all at once you realize you would rather bounce your fists off them (Note: I promise I actually don’t have anger management issues) then your brilliant Saturday night plans (Oh no, I have NEVER dealt with this crap). It hurts me to say it, but JM has become that punching bag; really he has become a few types of bags and none are fabulous Valentino, Balenciaga, or anything else Fergie mentions in the song played in the opening of the Sex and the City movie.

Please see these two before and after photos to understand what spurred this latest rant:

(Left) Exhibit A – Me Likely!












(Right) Exhibit B – I love drastic hair cuts as much as the next girl (Please note my actions last week) … John, who used to be so very pretty ... WTF dude?!



In my experience I have found more of my male friends fall into this loser (read: lovey dovey) trap than my female friends. I attribute this to two reasons: 1.) I have more male friends than female friends. 2.) My female friends are “slightly” neurotic and would never let anything like that happen … hence the reason they are my friends. As a matter of fact, I have had no less than 10 conversations in the last week where a counterpart of mine and I have discussed our hatred of signing into facebook and seeing no less than another three friends of ours getting married every day. Point noted and taken yet?

Now back to JM, in the event he was my friend, I would take him to Eat N’ Park, stick a smiley cookie or two in front of him and remind him that he is neither Ross nor Brad Pitt. After introducing him to my BFF since Kindergarten (because I promised I would!), I would provide him with more EnP (Grilled Stickies A La Mode baby!) and force him to watch “Friends” for 72 straight hours (Chinese Water Torture is mere child’s play) proving that the reason Miss Rachel took the job at Louis Vuitton was to get free luggage, thus making her emotional baggage both cheaper to purchase and stylish to lug around.

… everyone is thinking it so I will say it, I am a firm believer that she is pissed over the amount of pub Bradangelina’s Army of Infants is receiving and she may be two magazine covers short of taking the SPEIDI route of hiring paps of following she and JM only to produce as junky photo’s for the world to see. Think we will see Ms. I-Sucked-the-Fun-Out-of-John-Mayer’s-Music in some Heidiwood gear anytime soon?

With all of this being said, contrary to popular belief I would rather write (read: complain) about (and I am sure other people would rather read about) things like the suckwad Adidas/Dicks commercial featuring Reggie Bush. Mr. Kim Kardashian, as hot as he may be, really missed the mark with that 30-second endorsement. First, there are about 15 kids in the entire commercial – even small schools can outfit a team with enough players to fill both an offensive and defensive roster. Next, I get really mad every time he calls for the Oklahoma drill. At camp, it is one of my favorite drills to watch, but those pansies run so darn slow my grandma could tackle them – Of course she’s 6-3, 240 and runs the forty in 4.5 flat. (Oh! Oh! The prize behind door number one is yours if you get that reference!)

Oh yeah, and he says all players are either “Thrillers” or “Destroyers”.

Hmmmm … that must be the reason that ALL scrawny players get D-I scholarships, huh? Sure, keep living that dream – its better than the JM-JA nightmare People.com publishes something new and irrelevant about everyday!