If my six previous posts have proven anything it is that I not only heart John Mayer
(which is why I have been too devastated to write anything about his disappointing concert – For the first time since my freshman year of college, he hurt my ears and my cerebellum) but I also would like to put the kibosh on his relationship with Jennifer Anniston (read: the reason for the crappy concert). My reasoning for the latter follows:
We all have THAT friend … they start dating someone who at first glance you are unsure if they suck or not … they will then proclaim their other half is the best person in the world and nothing before them mattered (JM did this two weeks ago in my presence; an act that only added to my bitterness that night. He also wore a black wife beater to perform in; what in the world was his stylist thinking?!) … then comes the hearts and doves … they sing everything they say
including “Hellllllllooooooo” when that person calls … and before you think the live AfterSchool Special couldn’t get any worse all at once you realize you would rather bounce your fists off them (Note: I promise I actually don’t have anger management issues) then your brilliant Saturday night plans (Oh no, I have NEVER dealt with this crap). It hurts me to say it, but JM has become that punching bag; really he has become a few types of bags and none are fabulous Valentino, Balenciaga, or anything else Fergie mentions in the song played in the opening of the Sex and the City movie.Please see these two before and after photos to understand what spurred this latest rant:
(Left) Exhibit A – Me Likely!
(Right) Exhibit B – I love drastic hair cuts as much as the next girl (Please note my actions last week) … John, who used to be so very pretty ... WTF dude?!
In my experience I have found more of my male friends fall into this loser (read: lovey dovey) trap than my female friends. I attribute this to two reasons: 1.) I have more male friends than female friends. 2.) My female friends are “slightly” neurotic and would never let anything like that happen … hence the reason they are my friends. As a matter of fact, I have had no less than 10 conversations in the last week where a counterpart of mine and I have discussed our hatred of signing into facebook and seeing no less than another three friends of ours getting married every day. Point noted and taken yet?
Now back to JM, in the event he was my friend, I would take him to Eat N’ Park, stick a smiley cookie or two in front of him and remind him that he is neither Ross nor Brad Pitt.
After introducing him to my BFF since Kindergarten (because I promised I would!), I would provide him with more EnP (Grilled Stickies A La Mode baby!) and force him to watch “Friends” for 72 straight hours (Chinese Water Torture is mere child’s play) proving that the reason Miss Rachel took the job at Louis Vuitton was to get free luggage, thus making her emotional baggage both cheaper to purchase and stylish to lug around.
… everyone is thinking it so I will say it, I am a firm believer that she is pissed over the amount of pub Bradangelina’s Army of Infants is receiving and she may be two magazine covers short of taking the SPEIDI route of hiring paps of following she and JM only to produce as junky photo’s for the world to see. Think we will see Ms. I-Sucked-the-Fun-Out-of-John-Mayer’s-Music in some Heidiwood gear anytime soon? With all of this being said, contrary to popular belief I would rather write (read: complain) about (and I am sure other people would rather read about) things like the suckwad Adidas/Dicks commercial featuring Reggie Bush.
Mr. Kim Kardashian, as hot as he may be, really missed the mark with that 30-second endorsement. First, there are about 15 kids in the entire commercial – even small schools can outfit a team with enough players to fill both an offensive and defensive roster. Next, I get really mad every time he calls for the Oklahoma drill. At camp, it is one of my favorite drills to watch, but those pansies run so darn slow my grandma could tackle them – Of course she’s 6-3, 240 and runs the forty in 4.5 flat. (Oh! Oh! The prize behind door number one is yours if you get that reference!) Oh yeah, and he says all players are either “Thrillers” or “Destroyers”.
Hmmmm … that must be the reason that ALL scrawny players get D-I scholarships, huh? Sure, keep living that dream – its better than the JM-JA nightmare People.com publishes something new and irrelevant about everyday!
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