Seven years ago I was a college freshman. Eighty-four months ago I was embarking on possibly the best four years of my life and didn’t even know it. Cliché as it sounds those were the best years (key violin music.) and anyone who spent some part or all four of them with me can attest to the fact that I am telling the truth.
I would love to wax poetic about the “Golden Years” (circa fall 2001-spring 2005 – especially spring 2005, ask Peaches!) but I would like to paint a more realistic view of the points I wish I knew 364 weeks ago.
1. At least one of the people you meet in that first week of school will be in/at your wedding someday and more than likely are going to be around when you meet your significant other. While this does not mean you are going to get your MRS. Degree with them at your side, more than likely yunz will be causing trouble somewhere and as a result they will introduce you to your long-time future. They introduced you to your short-time future enough times (Coco: “Hi this is Tom O., he may break your laundry rack, but he is cute enough for now. You’re Welcome.”), why not let them share in the fun of the person that is going to give you that little blue box and go into debt for you?
a. High school sweethearts rarely last. Be more fun and get rid of the deadweight unless they are at your institution – in the event you came together to school, you are dumb and need to find a way out. ASAP!
b. Going to prom while in college is a reason for others to make fun of you.
2. There is no point in doing your hair or make-up to go to class. If you look like you did out-and-about the night before someone in the third row of your 10:00 a.m. geology lecture will have an easier time putting things together and realizing you were the one that made out with them/their roommate about eight hours ago. There is a reason bars have low lighting, why even give Mr. Makeout a hint that YOU were attached to his lips?
3. You will lose your keys/ID often. Attach one to the other (might I suggest the cute Vera Bradley ID holders) and hang near your door.
a. In the event you can’t find your ID, its always in your back pocket.
b. If its not in your back pocket, ask Coco where it is. She is scary good at finding plastic cards through the phone!
4. If you travel in packs, EVERYONE will know you are a freshman. Take a cue from Noah and travel in two’s.
5. Wearing high heels, a short skirt, and a tank in the snow is NOT sexy and will not make a senior want to hook-up/date you (or buy your underage butt beer) – it will only allow he and his warm, hoodie-clad girlfriend to make fun of you and your entire gaggle (between swigs of their legally consumed beer) … it may also cause you hypothermia.
a. Health Centers are not a place you want to be.
b. Pink Eye is not the same thing as a detached retina.
6. There are no cool/loser kids in college. People are friends because they have common interests, not because they shop at the same stores.
7. The most interesting talks happen at 2:00 a.m., drink a Mountain Dew and stay up – regardless of what time you have class the next day. On the plus side, the “deeper” the conversation, the easier it is to justify not even showing up to said class(es).
8. Watching what you eat does not mean look at food at it goes into your mouth – being mindful of what you eat might better enable you to choose DIET Mountain Dew for that late night conversation.
9. There is NEVER EVER EVER a good reason to drink beer that can be bought for less than a pair of shoes - you ARE better than that no matter what the cute boy at the keg tells you.
Most of you are going to be picky about those (the shoes not the boys) and they only go on your feet (10 points will be awarded for correctly identifying who said this!) … if its icky going into your body, its going to be icky coming out – even worse will be the toll it takes on your thighs. Just because Natural Light sounds like it should be good for you, it isn’t, drink any and you will no longer fit into your shorts, fatty.10. Always have an alias – make sure your friends know it and your type so that they may call you by the correct name depending upon who may be hitting on you.
a. Yes, I still use Meg.
11. Get your GPA up the first semester into the 3.0+ range, it’s pretty hard to fall from grace once you are there. Party more second semester.
12. No job is below you – 100% guaranteed whatever you do as an undergrad to earn resume bullet points and ca$h is going to be 600 times easier than something you are going to do in the real world.
13. Take lots of pictures – especially of your friends – doing stupid things – frame them – BUT DO NOT POST ON FACEBOOK/MYSPACE/HOFFSPACE ETC. Goggle can find anything, so can potential employers in four years.
14. Drunk dialing is stupid. No matter who you call, it is not going to end up in your favor. See 2a. Erase their cell numbers and IM screen names.
You will only be able to find them at 2:00 a.m. and will feel the need to tell them the same crap 60 times … with tears.15. Harry and Sally were wrong – guys and girls can be friends and only friends. Simple math will show the opposite sex has friends for you to date, no reason to ruin a perfectly good friendship.
Ah and speaking of memories, only one word from one of my favorite trips last year can describe today’s brain wrinkle:
SONIC.
Only one voice can order slushies:
SOUTHERN HILLBILLY.
Please be sure not to laugh.
