Now that we have that in the open, I am not the one ‘feelin’ a little happy’ – that’s Coco
(Note: All names in my stories will be nothing more than character references. In her case, ‘Coco’ requested I refer to her in this way BEFORE becoming a temporary pill popper. She wanted to add the surname ‘Chanel’ to her alias, but was sorely mistaken to learn that name has already been taken. Also, in the event I was ever to relay any of our more exciting mis-adventures, I am pretty sure anyone involved with the real Coco Chanel would deservingly so, sue me for slander.)More or less I am pretty sure I now have you all confused. Why, oh why, would I openly discuss the fact that my BFF has been taking Percocet on a public forum?
The answer is simple, she has knee problems. (No, not for THAT reason!!!) Coco was reared in a family that I have often referred to as the Kennedy’s of her quaint mid-western hometown - almost every last one of her 12 aunts and uncles and their spouses are involved in law enforcement or politics. It is almost impossible to spit in that city without hitting someone from her bloodline – if you are lucky they will be out of uniform and will not write you a ticket either!
In the nurture vs. nature argument, nature works to her advantage. For as long as I have known her (which is going on the better part of a decade), she has wanted to be XXX lbs (Note: actual numbers denoting the real weight of her skinny butt have been disclosed for my safety) of pissed off, gun-toting, high-speed chasing, handcuff slinging woman in uniform. In order to reach this goal she has had to work-out, often, and to that I attribute the fact that she recently (read: last week) underwent knee surgery. Had she been a collegiate/professional athlete her injury would not have been all that unusual, but living in the DC-metro area, most outsiders would attribute her injury to running for the Metro in high heels. Ugh! Public transportation! My worst nightmare!I have often considered writing a book entitled “My Friend Coco”. Not only would it be waaaaaayyyy better than “My Friend Leonard” (Note: The writing style drove me crazy!) but it would be funny as all get out. In a one sentence summary: Coco would be a shoe in to win “Last Comic Standing” and the best part is she would not need to prepare material;
she would just need to speak. Case in point, as undergrads Coco used to tell “parables” relating all the wrongful actions of the guys that drove her craziest. My favorite, to this day, is that of the cow. More or less she tells the story of a happy cow chewing on some grass in the middle of a field. The cow, who hopes to lead this life for as long as possible, is taken for walk and out of nowhere – BAM! He’s hamburger meat. To her, that is where hope gets you, served on a stale bun as an entrée.
Hours after her surgery, she called me to let me know that all had gone well and because I am such a great friend, I couldn’t help but laugh. I would like to state that I was more than happy to know of the surgery’s success, but I could not help think that as she came out of the anesthesia she sounded a lot like Cartman in the South Park Movie. Moments after the V-Chip is inserted in his brain, the lovable chubmiester despondently says hello to his friends and informs them that he will no longer have the ability to swear – something about her voice and the effort it took to say her words reminded me of that moment in the movie and I, being the loser that I am had to tell her and make fun of her. 
Fast forward 24 hours and Coco, with the help of the Happy Pills, is not feeling as much pain and is back to her old self. Come to think of it, she may not have been feeling anything at all! Upon telling her of my afternoon at the museum, she suggests that I try the zoo next weekend. Coco, is a regular at the National Zoo because … wait for it … wait for it … the giraffes make her cry. Yes, you read that correctly and probably need a moment to process that. Go ahead, I’ll hold tight. This all started a few years back, when she first moved to the nation’s capital. I will never forget her calling that day, sobbing, from the zoo, because the giraffes looked so very unhappy in their pens. Since then every time a card is sent to her mailbox it has a giraffe on it both to poke fun and make her laugh. As a matter of fact, another friend of mine and I went as far as buying her a stuffed animal giraffe at a truck stop one summer on our drive to visit her.While the obsession with the giraffes has not subsided, a new one has grown. --- giant panda’s. This one actually makes a bit of sense. Once again referring to the National Zoo, a few of its residents have made news on more than one occasion. The famous residents in question in this story are Tian Tian (t-YEN t-YEN) and Mei Xiang (may-SHONG), and their offspring, Tai Shan (tie-SHON) - better known as the giant panda’s who are helping to elevate the population of the endangered species. Yet, thanks to the Happy Pills, the duo, according to Coco, are named Ding Dong and Cha Ching; the latter is aptly named so because of all the dough it has brought in. (Note: Seeing as the national zoo is considered to be a member of the Smithsonian group admission is free. Knowing this I am left scratching my head as to where all of this money is coming in.)
Coco also told me the story of a former gentleman caller who wanted to take her out this weekend.
Due to his gentlemanly nature, he texted her asking for the date. She responded to him informing him of her recent surgery and made it known she would be on the IRL for a few weeks. Due to his impeccable timing, he is the only person who did not reap the benefits of her Happy Pills and since he regrettably did not even bother to ask if she was feeling ok she rightfully crossed him off the suitor list. My guess is the Happy Pills were beginning to wear off. Had he texted her an hour earlier he might have had a different outcome – too bad for him, but BAM, guess who is a Big MAC now.Shameful as it maybe, I love telling these type of stories about my friends – especially when they are all hopped up on pain meds. I know it is slightly evil, but they have just as many stupid stories where I have said something that some would consider being on the less intelligent side. According to my amigo’s you would never know I had the ability to acquire three higher education degrees over the course of six years – they may be right, once again proving books smarts ≠ common sense. (Note: For those of you asleep in third grade, ≠ means does not equal.)
Anyway, long distance love and get well wishes are sent you Coco! Hopefully, you will get to hide your pimp cane
(Note: prior to surgery she was hobbling around DC in heels and a cane. Oh it was SEXXY and KLASSY!) with Tom Cruise in the closet! Feel better Butters!
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