Confession Five: A Mild, Non-Tear Inducing, Tribute to the One Who Introduced Me to Live Muzak

Growing up in Western PA, the younger child of a former Still Mill carpenter and a rabid Stiller fan (Note: Truth be told, both of my parents bleed Black and Gold, yet where my father is famous for cheering “C’mon boys” when our beloved football team needs encouragement, my mother has been known to throw slippers, pillows or other soft objects at a TV when something goes wrong. She also uses changing the laundry as an excuse to stomp out of a room when the defense gives up a first down. Additionally, she threatened CP – my other half and a *GASP !* Cleveland native – with sleeping in the garage, yes the same one I hit {see Confession Four}, because he said he was going to wear a Brown’s jersey to our house.) a myriad of phrases are often repeated … these phrases, better known as Pittsburghese will be a staple in my vocabulary until the day I die – I predict that day to be the one where I refer to a gumband as an, ugh, rubberband. (Yikes!)

Yet, another often shouted phrase passed through my triple pierced ears thanks to the big sister – TBS. (Note: Much like Coco, she needs not be referred to by name, only nickname, more or less to protect the innocent; PS – the innocent in question is me.) Her’s did not involved slang, nor did it need an accent that confuses the AWN sound with the ON sound (read: Donnie vs. Dawnie).

Her phrase was much simpler:

“If you die I am going to be in trouble!”

I wish I knew the origin of this phrase, but can only speculate it came about sometime when she was babysitting me and in my sedated childhood state I was playing quietly by myself (read: doing cartwheels off the couch or jumping from the top step yelling “Look, TBS, I can fly!” when in all reality I should have been yelling, “Look TBS, I am about to crash and break a bone!”). TBS is now 30 and I am 25 … within the past year the phrase was uttered on more than one occasion – and as you can tell, I am still alive; she is yet to “be in trouble”.

Seeing as she used to say this on a daily occurrence (man she got stuck babysitting for free A LOT) one would think this would have lost its importance but it can still make me laugh. It also just proves that I am pretty sure the parents love me more if she is so convinced they are going to be pissed at her if anything happens to me; they worry about the youngest. It’s a perk of being born last.

Let’s stop and think for a few moments of places I might be killed and she might want to avoid …
1. Swimming pools. – Nope went there all the time. As a matter of fact, I used to make it my mission to be more tan that she. Jokes on her because I am pretty sure melanoma can be a bad thing – someone may be in trouble later in life and it isn’t just my epidural layer! Oh we frequented the Wave Pool many times too. She was a fan of the deeper end – I would have been too had we ever rented an intertube!
2. Foreign Country – Oh we did that too. 10 days in London and I was a teenager getting ready to head to college. Sometimes I wonder if the parents weren’t perpetually testing her.
3. Concerts – Now we are getting somewhere. We did these too. Actually more than a lot of people I know.
4. White water rafting – Oh we have the pictures to document this one! By the grace of God, the photographer managed to get a glimpse of a full boat. I am pretty sure the first time we went, there might have been three rapids where I stayed in the boat the entire time. Who needs to navigate with an oar when you can dodge rocks and other jagged objects with your body?
5. Endless games of two-bounce in the backyard / spit in the ocean – I am pretty sure these are the only items on my list where I could ever say, “Yep. Thought I was destined to take a nappy-poo in the dirt” as a young child. (PS-TBS, you did use both hands, just admit it already.)

In reference to #3 TBS actually took me to my first “real” concert at my first “real” venue when I was 12-about-to-be-13. I had just come into my ‘OCD for DMB phase’ (Note: I never really grew out of that) and we were off to see him play. In my mind there is nothing like your first DMB concert (I have been seeing them for more than a decade, on more than 20 occasions in various venues) and we were there to experience the Crash tour. (insert heavens opening and angelic singing. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!) 13 years later I can still remember Dave wearing a pair of purple pants and a ugly brown shirt. As they started to play I told TBS that I was going to get a job dressing the band once I was older, Yep! That one worked out! I also remember the Ants Marching/Satellite encore (Why, oh why, DMB have you not turned that into Live Trax. vol XX ?!?!)

If anyone has ever been to a DMB concert it is safe to say that 95% of the ticketed population could be arrested at any given time because many strange activities happen when the planets align and Mr. David J. and his band of musical brothers start to fill the air. I feel as though this statement should only support my thoughts more … if you are so afraid of me dying, why DAVE?

That night I learned many valuable lessons which have helped me survive to this day, July 15, 2008.
1. Wait to buy t-shirts from scalpers AFTER the show. The later in the tour season the better; f you are like TBS (who has some strange repressed strand of gypsy blood running through her veins) you can haggle to get multiple t-shirts for a reduced rate. Thus everyone wins. Also, one MUST hold off buying a shirt prior to the concert because, as she drove into my pre-teen brain, you are NOT cool if you wear the bands merchandise to their concert. I am still confused by this one, and have often worn my DMB flip-flops to shows. Sorry dude.
2. Don’t disturb the strangers around you on the lawn. Turns out, the people in front of us waited for the night sky to fall, and, well, got to know each other.
3. That funny smell – the one usually reserved for the art teacher – is nothing you want to deal with. And no, though most of the people around us had not showered in days, it was not their B.O.that kept tickling my nose.
4. Listening to the artists CD on replay, for the entire week leading up to the concert just so all the words are on your mind and you can sing along with the band does not make you cool. It only drives the people around you crazy.
5. Maybe there was a five … I am drawing a blank. Was this the one about watching out for roofies, or was it keep your shoes on because you never know what you are going to step in/on at an outdoor venue?

And though it was not taught at DMB, I would like to add the ever important never eat yellow snow. Since we had dogs for the greater part of our childhoods this was valuable and deserved to me mentioned.

T-minus 50 hours until Colbe Calliat and John Mayer take the stage! I am truly looking forward to:
Hearing some of my favorite songs – LIVE! ... learning new lessons – maybe teaching some of my own ... trying to stay alive – no one needs to be reprimanded because it would ruin the John Mayer happy time!