Confession Twenty-One: If Alltel Can Put These Five in My Circle, I Am Ready to Switch Serivce!

Maybe I don't say it to the general public enough, but I very much adore CP. Despite my laissez-faire attitude and remarks, we are kind of cute together ...

But it is for that reason, and some others that I can't think of right now, that I am 100% secure in my relationship to present "my list". And before you get mad at me, CP totally has one too, except his is highlighted by a horse-faced broad. (Please see left.)

Admit it, everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, has "a list". This list is essential to any good relationship ... more or less it names the five people you are comfortable leaving each other for no matter how unattainable they might seem. Oh, and it totally keeps you acutely aware of the fact that you can be replaced at a moment's notice.

Atop my list:
1. ADAM SANDLER - 42, married with a family.
Adam is the proof that high school stereotypes are wrong, the cute funny guy should always get the girl. I firmly believe he is going to be the next iconic 'salt & peppered' sexy old man - that's right Clooney, I am calling you out saying that Adam will claim your throne one day!

2. Dave Matthews - 41, married with a family.
Yet another high school stereotype gone wrong! Give a male a guitar and he is automatically 100x more attractive. Not only can this man write an incredibly heartfelt song, but allow him to sing it - Sigh! This mix is better known as the formula for stimulation overload by the Overachiever. There are few moments in life that are better than listening to David J. and his band mates fill a summer night with his raspy voice and their unique music.



3-5 are too close for comfort so these will be presented in alphabetical order (just like my DVDs.)

Troy Polamalu - 27, married.
This Samoan powerhouse can make or break a game. As a sports girl (and more importantly a Pittsburgh Girl) his athletic ability encouraged me to buy his jersey in pink and wear it with pride. Combine that with his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde reserved nature in interviews but mad man play on Sundays, and even a female who can't keep a PAT and a FG straight realizes #43 is the reason to tune into the NFL. What am I talking about - the real reason he made this list is that hair. Oh lord I heart that mane!

Mark Richt - 48, married with a family.
I am not afraid to say it - Coach Richt is the best looking HFC in the SEC. PERIOD. All loyalties to other teams aside, I would love to see him become the third SEC head man to get a "new ring" in as many seasons ... I also have considered becoming a lobbyist for his placement in People's Sexiest Men Alive issue.

Rich Rodriguez - 45, married with a family.
As an avid anti-Buckeye, this paring would be all too perfect! He may not have the best record yet, but as the first man in the country to run the spread no-huddle offense in the collegiate game, he will always have me in his fan section!

Other close entries include:
6. John Cusak
7. The Manning Brother's
8. Glenn Beck
9. The Powell Brother's (pictured)
10. Edward Norton

Confession Twenty - Time Life Has a Collection for Every Occasion

I happened to be drinking Kool-Aid while watching a Suze Orman "women's power and how to make moo-la" special the other day when the PBS people decided to interrupt by begging viewers to donate to their cause. Personally, I found it strange that PBS would ask a demographic classified as "looking to save their currency" ... for some of that currency. It all seemed a little oxymoronic to me, but what do I know, I was in the midst of hanging on the word of some bottled blonde in a Matrix-like jacket telling me that I didn't ask to be paid enough at my job.

Because I had no intention to donate to PBS - when they start airing more concerts and less "This Old House" I will be more than happy to write a check - I started to channel surf and came upon something terrifying ...the TIMELIFE "Lifetime of Romance" infomercial. Bobby Vinton (some old singer) and June Chandler (She testified in a Michael Jackson trial, oh and I think she was an actress back in the day) were sitting on a couch in front of a fire place surrounded by roses and candles. I had to stop and look around for a moment because I thought there was a possibility either a puppy or a dove would serendipitously wander into my apartment without some semblance of warning.

Despite the fact that Nat King Cole was feature among the collections' 150 hits, it took everything I had not to chase my Kool-Aid with bleach. 150 love songs? Why would anyone subject themselves to such torture? I honestly thought a small drip of blood had already escaped from my ear but then realized it was just a result of the cheapie earring I had in. (That is the last time I buy earrings from a hippie at an art fair!)

Although I am a HUGE fan of the FlowerPower collection - don't act like you don't get a little excited when Henry Fonda and his cool hair come on screen - because it has badass artists like Janice Joplin, Jefferson Airplane and the Doors, even I can't sit through that whole sex-drug-and-rock-and-roll filled infomercial, giving this lacy, lovey, dovey celebration of condoms and Enzyte a snowballs' shot of catching my eye.

My good friend BOB (no that is not HIS photo - I think this BOB is a little shorter in stature and would never wear a tie) often finds the subject of his blogs to be "MUSIC YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT Vol. X". Consider the list below not only a knock off of his musical expertise, but also the ONLY group compilation albums that TIMELIFE has yet to corner the market on ...

"Now That's Cracktastic!" - Featuring all of your favorites from the FlowerPower CD's with the addition of any an all former Mickey Mouse Kids and the majority of gansta rappers.

"Sugar High" - An unlikely mix of Mandy Moore (Candy), Def Leppard (Pour Some Sugar on Me), Soul For Real (Candy Rain), The Rollin' Stones (Brown Sugar), Jackson 5 (Candy Girl), 50 Cent (Candy Shop) and more!

"Jailbait" - Get ready to bring back those Mouseketters! Not only will Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle" follow Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus' "The Seven Things I Hate About You" but rap mogul R. Kelly is also scheduled to lay down a few tracks!

I already have the cover art ... think mugshots - Andy Warhol style.

Disclaimer: If you happen to see one of the aforementioned CD's being peddled at 4:00 a.m. please A. Put down the remote. 2. Hide your credit card. D. Get enough sleep that you can call and tell me all about it the next day! I even promise to split the money from my lawsuit with you, but NOT PSB! Suckas!

Confession Nineteen: When I Want Your Opinion, I Will Give It to You!

I feel as if it is time to release my inner Gregory ...

For those of you unfamiliar with the South Park character, please allow me to get you up to speed. Gregory attended Yardale where he had a 4.0 grade point average. According to Wendy (far right in the bitchin' pink hat), "He's political and stuff."

If you are still confused as to just whom that it is I am speaking of, please do yourself a favor and rent "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut". I gave it two thumbs up.

I will admit, I am not known for my political views - in all actually they're one of the few things I keep to myself, but I have to admit this sleeping bear has been poked [Insert your own joke here. Go ahead, I won't take that away from you]. As a matter of fact it has been poked so hard that not only is it speaking in the third person, but the stick caused an awakening from blogging hibernation.

Exactly whom or what is this proverbial stick [Ha.Ha. You're too funny. Get your mind out of the gutter, what would your mother think?] - the answer is simple, young Hollywood.

This rant has been stirring since the night Russell Brand bashed the Republican party during his intro monologue on the 2008 VMA's. In all honesty, he could have gone off about either party but I still would have been pissed ... Brand lives in Hampstead, London and is a British actor. READ: HE. CAN'T. VOTE. IN. AMERICA. PERIOD. This may come off as a silly thought, but if I am not helping to elect your Prime Minister, who gave you the hootzpah to speak out and tell me what my country needs? Exactly how many nights a year do you spend here anyways - and of those nights how many are you sober?

His display made me mad enough that I walked away from the TV and started thinking, is my generation, as well as our younger brothers and sister's, smart enough to discern between those influences we should trust and those we need to run screaming from?

Before I go any further, I would like to say that I am damn proud of the fact that I get to vote and voice my opinion in regard to the next president of my country; not everyone has that luxury. This is something I do not begrudge a single person ... with that being said, what does drive me crazy is the number of celebrities who think their opinion matters enough to influence an entire generation of voters instead of simply encouraging them to think for themselves. Everyone wants to be an individual, yet groupthink is always the hottest trend! And I am not the only one who agrees! May I present Exhibit A and Exhibit B. Want more proof, just google "celebrity + presidential election" - read and learn.

Coco and I mulled over this very same topic one night because well, she is kinda like a female Gregory, totally "political and stuff".

Her conclusion was: ”If you let a celebrity tell you how to vote, you are a moron and should lose the right to vote”

Mine was articulated with a few more words ...

"I think we should work on our own campaign – it will uncover the number of registered Elephants and Donkey's (asses would be too hard to differentiate between) in Hollywood then focus centrally on young Hollywood. Hopefully we can create enough of a buzz that we do in fact get a reality show and will also open the younger voters eyes to what crappy role models there are out there – P.Diddy/Diddy/Puff Daddy/Puff/whatever his name is today included!

If Paris Hilton (see her presidential ad here) can have a show to pick a new BFF, why can't Coco and I set out to answer the age old question, what happened to thinking for yourself?

Confession Eighteen: I Wish Someone Would Have Imparted Some of This Wisdom on Me

Seven years ago I was a college freshman.

Eighty-four months ago I was embarking on possibly the best four years of my life and didn’t even know it. Cliché as it sounds those were the best years (key violin music.) and anyone who spent some part or all four of them with me can attest to the fact that I am telling the truth.

I would love to wax poetic about the “Golden Years” (circa fall 2001-spring 2005 – especially spring 2005, ask Peaches!) but I would like to paint a more realistic view of the points I wish I knew 364 weeks ago.

1. At least one of the people you meet in that first week of school will be in/at your wedding someday and more than likely are going to be around when you meet your significant other. While this does not mean you are going to get your MRS. Degree with them at your side, more than likely yunz will be causing trouble somewhere and as a result they will introduce you to your long-time future. They introduced you to your short-time future enough times (Coco: “Hi this is Tom O., he may break your laundry rack, but he is cute enough for now. You’re Welcome.”), why not let them share in the fun of the person that is going to give you that little blue box and go into debt for you?

a. High school sweethearts rarely last. Be more fun and get rid of the deadweight unless they are at your institution – in the event you came together to school, you are dumb and need to find a way out. ASAP!
b. Going to prom while in college is a reason for others to make fun of you.

2. There is no point in doing your hair or make-up to go to class. If you look like you did out-and-about the night before someone in the third row of your 10:00 a.m. geology lecture will have an easier time putting things together and realizing you were the one that made out with them/their roommate about eight hours ago. There is a reason bars have low lighting, why even give Mr. Makeout a hint that YOU were attached to his lips?

3. You will lose your keys/ID often. Attach one to the other (might I suggest the cute Vera Bradley ID holders) and hang near your door.
a. In the event you can’t find your ID, its always in your back pocket.
b. If its not in your back pocket, ask Coco where it is. She is scary good at finding plastic cards through the phone!

4. If you travel in packs, EVERYONE will know you are a freshman. Take a cue from Noah and travel in two’s.

5. Wearing high heels, a short skirt, and a tank in the snow is NOT sexy and will not make a senior want to hook-up/date you (or buy your underage butt beer) – it will only allow he and his warm, hoodie-clad girlfriend to make fun of you and your entire gaggle (between swigs of their legally consumed beer) … it may also cause you hypothermia.

a. Health Centers are not a place you want to be.
b. Pink Eye is not the same thing as a detached retina.

6. There are no cool/loser kids in college. People are friends because they have common interests, not because they shop at the same stores.

7. The most interesting talks happen at 2:00 a.m., drink a Mountain Dew and stay up – regardless of what time you have class the next day. On the plus side, the “deeper” the conversation, the easier it is to justify not even showing up to said class(es).

8. Watching what you eat does not mean look at food at it goes into your mouth – being mindful of what you eat might better enable you to choose DIET Mountain Dew for that late night conversation.

9. There is NEVER EVER EVER a good reason to drink beer that can be bought for less than a pair of shoes - you ARE better than that no matter what the cute boy at the keg tells you. Most of you are going to be picky about those (the shoes not the boys) and they only go on your feet (10 points will be awarded for correctly identifying who said this!) … if its icky going into your body, its going to be icky coming out – even worse will be the toll it takes on your thighs. Just because Natural Light sounds like it should be good for you, it isn’t, drink any and you will no longer fit into your shorts, fatty.

10. Always have an alias – make sure your friends know it and your type so that they may call you by the correct name depending upon who may be hitting on you.
a. Yes, I still use Meg.

11. Get your GPA up the first semester into the 3.0+ range, it’s pretty hard to fall from grace once you are there. Party more second semester.

12. No job is below you – 100% guaranteed whatever you do as an undergrad to earn resume bullet points and ca$h is going to be 600 times easier than something you are going to do in the real world.

13. Take lots of pictures – especially of your friends – doing stupid things – frame them – BUT DO NOT POST ON FACEBOOK/MYSPACE/HOFFSPACE ETC. Goggle can find anything, so can potential employers in four years.

14. Drunk dialing is stupid. No matter who you call, it is not going to end up in your favor. See 2a. Erase their cell numbers and IM screen names. You will only be able to find them at 2:00 a.m. and will feel the need to tell them the same crap 60 times … with tears.

15. Harry and Sally were wrong – guys and girls can be friends and only friends. Simple math will show the opposite sex has friends for you to date, no reason to ruin a perfectly good friendship.


Ah and speaking of memories, only one word from one of my favorite trips last year can describe today’s brain wrinkle:
SONIC.

Only one voice can order slushies:
SOUTHERN HILLBILLY.

Please be sure not to laugh.

Confession Seventeen: Dibs – Bitches!

Yes Coco – I win, not you. You may have called “Dibs” but in my infinite wisdom I am relegating you to the chocolaty desert, not the cute track boy. Here, on this ever so public forum, I am publicly commenting on David Oliver’s attractiveness … thick, cute and can speak to the media! Me Likely! … and I even know his name (Sexy USA Track Athlete does not count.).

So HA! – You can have Dwayne Wayne, and the silver medal Mr. Oliver is going to give him.

In the immortal word of Frankenstein – I WIN!

Now, for yet another moment in my “storied” career …

Yet another story from the football press box.

As I made it clear in the last blog – much like the lack of sex in the champagne room – there is no yelling in the press box.

As a GA I was in charge of post game stat copies. Not hard. Get hard copies of the stat files, send them through the copier, and send undergrads to distribute them accordingly. Rinse and repeat until about 100 people have what they need. An angry monkey could do it.

One night, as I was waiting for those copies an opposing coach (also a GA), ran out of the coaches box, through the press box, toward the elevator pumping his fists and screaming “F#(K Yeah!” after they had beat us. I never forgot that scene because it was so very unclassy.

Fast forward two years later. Once again we were hosting that same foe and guess who was still on that staff.

During the post game I like to exert my small amount of power (read: I had no problem kicking people off MY copier.) and I happened to find that goober already on my copier and in my way.

Just to clarify the point that I thought I did I have power, I marched in, gave the guy a slight hip, and hit the STOP button. Needless to say he was mad.

Very calmly I explained that I had work to do and copies for his staff was not high on that priority list, unless he was willing to give those play charts to the media as well. (service with a smile!)

By the time the guy was done screaming in my face telling me that I was in fact a “sweetheart” (sure that is what he called me), I had two runners already down to their respective press conferences.

Dude really thought he could plead with me claiming he would “lose his job” and asking if I was serious. I felt great getting the revenge batting my eyes and telling him “F#(K Yeah!” (Sorry mom and dad!).

No, it was not my classiest moment, but revenge was sweet that day, especially since we won that game. (Secretly I was proud of myself for standing my ground against such a large man. Once things calmed down I actually found my boss to apologize and explain the situation.)

Lesson learned: NO YELLING IN THE PRESS BOX!
__________________________________________________

Now on to a more serious note, my thoughts and prayers go out to every last DMB fan, friend and most importantly, family member.

The loss of LeRoi Moore is crazy.

So many memories from my teenage years up through present day have some element of Dave Matthews underscoring the reason they are my favorites.

I considered re-telling some of those favorite memories tonight, but I am sure that those who were with me when they occurred hold them just as near to their hearts as they are to mine.

All I can say is nights at Starlake will never be the same and stage left is going to be a lonely place.

R.I.P. Roi. Enjoy the endless concert – “It’s better to leave then to be left.”

Confession Sixteen: I Miss First Day of School Outfits

In my family, we use any reason to shop.

You name the occasion and we have justified an outfit for it (Special thanks to my Mom and her best friend, Ms. Visa!).

One of my favorite reasons to shop, as if I have ever really needed one, was THE … FIRST … DAY … OF … SCHOOL … a practice that would last until at least my freshman year of college. From pre-K through junior high THE outfit was selected, worn with pride, and counted down until I could wear it again. I actually believe brides exist that found their wedding dresses much quicker and with less pain then my first day of school garb.

This outfit would remind people who you should be friends with, where you could sit in the cafeteria and once we got older, proved who was going to be the “choice hottie” that year. (I swam at the shallow end of the school’s pool)

Yes. This much consideration was put into this one coordinated effort and later in life would turn into an entire week’s worth of ‘new threads’.

Hopefully at this point you all are realizing what a cool kid I was, and for many of you, it might be surprising to think that I ever actually did my hair and make-up each morning on top of accessorizing – daily! How else was I supposed to nab a cute upper class boy friend? Once I stopped caring about answering that question, I embraced breaking dress code for the simple reason of wearing a hoodie EVERY DARN DAY.

With all of this in mind I would like to point out that today is CP’s first day of school – being the supportive girlfriend that I am, I watched one of the greatest “education” pieces ever created – BILLY MADISON – to celebrate last night. He, like Veronica Vaughn, will be going to teach, not to learn. CP has seventh graders and we may only have one full year under our belts together on his teaching resume, yet his stories never cease to amaze me. He has kids who carry cell phones (of course!), Vera Bradley purses, and can’t keep track of their voices from one moment to the next. I didn’t get my phone until I went to college, Vera and I became friends after I was legal to vote and there are days I still feel young enough for my voice to crack for no good reason.

I am not sure where the summer went – didn’t we head to Starlake, like, a day ago, to see DMB? – but, consider this my good luck for everyone involved in academia this year. I am going to miss you all.

With that I leave you with another great ‘Overachieving’ career moment…

“I’m Six Months Pregnant …”

The football press box never has a dull moment. Yet, it is a sacred place where one should not be boastful (especially if you are in Boston losing by 100 points due to 67 interceptions.). Depending upon the school, churches are louder than the football press box.

For those who have never been in one, the press box is literally a place like none other. One minute you are grabbing someone coffee – the next you are laughing as your partner in crime is on the sidelines asking some walk-on his name – the third you may be announcing “PurpleMonkeyDishwasher” on the internal PA.

The memorable phrases I have heard in these often media filled sanctuaries could create one of the greatest books ever … if only I would have written them all down at the moment they happened.

My favorite phrase needs never to be written down – only to be repeated with as much gusto as only a fiery red-head could deliver. This sentence was uttered when our punter booted a wind-aided kick that rose in the air only to fall at a much quicker rate – about 15 yards from where he had started.

After that boot, (if you could call it that) one of the distinguished females in our department, who is also one of the women I have respected (and was intimated by) the entire time I have been associated with the University, blurted (and I mean pissed off woman power ) “I can kick farther than that and I am six months pregnant!” Tina Fey could not have timed a more perfect, and accidently comedic, sentence.

I laughed – hard – it was that funny.

To this day I thank God she laughed too – and still does!

Needless to say, our kicking game was suffering one season.
As a matter of fact, it was so bad, our kicker was nicknamed after a Sesame Street character.

Confession Fifteen: The End of an Era is Upon Us All

No losers (er, I mean loyal readers, all two of you!) – my title is not meant to signify that Mark Spitz has been dethroned by Michael Phelps freak-like success in Beijing. I am pretty sure ESPN, NBC, ADHD, the BBC, SI, TMZ and every other media acronym has this subject covered. (Can you sense what I have been doing instead of writing blogs?)

The era I am referring to is that of my occupation and being a staple around my alma mater … i.e. my first ‘real-live-action-big-kid-job’ came from a magical land I worked in as an undergrad and later moved on to spend two years in as a Graduate Assistant in the same building (DPS y’all!). Not wanting to really overload on the change department, I returned for a full-time assistant job. (Three more football seasons and I am a bonafide townie!)

More or less, I had a safety blanket - only this one is covered in hoodies instead of silk like my childhood ‘bah’ (Umm my ‘bah’ rocked you like a hurricane! Sigh, to this day, I would like to believe my ‘bah’ did not have the same fate as everyone's favorite workhorse Boxer. - "Animal Farm" people! Keep up please!) In a little over a week I am going to be reliving my third year of life and the blankie is going to be a memory; only this time I get to keep the remnants (hoodies galore!).

Harriet and Peaches, my co-workers/partners in Oreo crime, recognized this soon-to-be reality and were kind enough to put together a retirement party for me this weekend.

Shenanigans.

They might want more details but my lips are sealed except to admit I blew out a flip-flop. (In my defense, it was partially broken and I thought the magic of hot glue would keep it together. Oh so wrong!)

Knowing that my industry revolves around top ten lists, I would like to present one that would celebrate my top moments of the past three ‘grown-up’ years. I wish I could actually rank these (PRINTABLE ONLY) moments, but it would be way too darn hard so I am not going to. :o)

More or less the next few installments of my lovely banter are going to be filled with my favorite brain wrinkles.

This is one of my top …

“She Moves Her Body like a Psycho”
Last season Baby Bash's song “Cyclone” was big on all women’s team pre-game warm-up playlists.

We heard it everywhere … all season … at least once a game.

Granted it is a catchy tune, but I have never loved it more than the day Coach called me over from my spot on press row to settle a little pre-tipoff dispute.

Keep in mind Coach is absolutely AWESOME (I adore him and laughed often this season) and is usually ‘hip’ to pop culture.

The stress of the game we were about to play must have gotten to him – I was literally called over to prove if the lyrics to the song were “She moves her body like a psycho” or “She moves her body like a cyclone”. The sparkle in his eye and the dance moves in his seat made this probably my favorite question the entire season (and I was asked a lot of them!).

Upon telling him the correct lyrics included a weather pattern and not a mental disorder I received one of his trademark disagreement noises (AAAAAGGGGHHHSSSHH!). I then asked the obvious, “How does one move their body like a psycho?” and was not disappointed. Flailing has never been so cute/funny/scary/memorable!

To this day I hear that song, think of Coach, and laugh. Love it! And, oddly enough, that scene happened prior to one of our worse losses but was still one of my favorite moments of the season. (We still went 26-8 last season and won the regular season league crown ... obviously losses didn't happen often.)

I am not so sure we sang before too many other games. Weird.